HULLOOO THER!------------ Wee Boaby here! ---------- Hows it hingin? Well if
yea huv been following ma antic's over the past few months Ye'll ken fine
that me and Ella hud just celebrated wer Birthday's I gave Ella a Bonnie
wee ornament, And I got a New pair o Trousers and a pair of red braces. Who
Da ever thought that braces could get Ye inta sae much trouble? Well they
did! So jist you read on and see.
Well the Birthday celebrations went doon a treat, After a wee Ruby Murry in
the Hoose, Ella and I went doon tae the "Piston Broke" fur a wee swally,
Ella hud her usual, One Gin and seven Bitterlemons, And me! Well I got
Miraculous! But in a Friendly sort of way! The next day, Well ma Heid wiz
Birlin, And ma mouth tasted like a Badgers arse, So I thought tae masel
I'll jist go fur a wee Walk! So off I dauners doon the Street, Noo It wiz a
no bad day, But it hud been raining the Night afore, So I hud tae be
careful O the Puddles. I must admit I cut a fine line wandering doon the
Street With ma new Trousers, Red Braces, and Wie ma Jaiket causally hinging
over ma Shoulder,
Suddenly oot O the blue this Bugger in his FAST BLACK skooshes Through a
puddle and Bluddy soaked me!
Lucky enough he pulls up jist doon the Street, Tae let aff his Passinger, So I tare doon the road, And stick Ma heid through his Windae
He says and accelerates away, Now unbeknown tae him or I, When I lent
through the Taxi Windae tae speak tae him, Ma Bonney new braces got tangled
up wie his Wingmirror! The next thing I know is I'm "WHEECHED" Aff ma feet and Am doing a Hunner
miles an Hour doon the Street behind the Bluddy Cab! Now Fortunately fur me,
There wiz a set o traffic light at the bottom O the road, And they hud jist
changed tae RED, So he wiz forced tae Stop! However, Ma HushPuppies did'na
come wie Disk Brakes, And the Properties O elastic being as they are! I
flew past the Cab and right inta the Middle O the Street!
I looked tae ma left, And nae five feet fae me wiz a big Bluddy EDDIE
STOBART daeing Forty miles an hour! AM..... DEID! A thought.
Suddenly the wonder of Elasticity, Again came into force, And at the Speed
O light I wiz snatched from the Jaws O death and sent Hurling Backwards,
Right intae a Corporation LampPost
Well I forced Masel tae open Wan Eye tae see whit all the fuss wiz aboot
and jist in time, As this wee Briedsnapper O a boy, Bends over, Wie his
slobery lips Inches away from ma face.
Says I. CHRIST! and he fell flat on this arse on the pavement, Seconds
later he jumps tae his feet and kicks me in the Ribs.
And off he marched, Still lying on the Pavement, I looked around at the Two
Wimmin standing over me!
And wie that she skelps me in the face wie hur Handbag, and storms aff. I
shakily got tae ma feet, And realise that ma New Braces hud snapped and ma
trousers were round ma Ankles. I pulled up ma Breeks and Hudding them in
one haun, Searched around fur ma Bonnet, Eventually retrievin it fae the
Puddle. Right Now whit tae dae? I couldnae Walk aboot like this, Then I spies a
Mans Clothing shop, So In I goes,
Well Wie ma trousers patched up, I left the shop and thought tae masel A
NEED A DRINK! So I heads for the "PISTON BROKE"
OH!... says I going red in the face IT WIZ THON WEE LASSIE IN THE CLOTHS SHOP
JIST DOON THE ROAD, SHORT SKIRTS AN THAT, YEA KEN?
Weel! I thought tae Masel, Nothing else kin go wrang! And I reached over
tae pick up ma Pint, This put a bit of strain on the old Braces, And the
next thing!
And the next thing he gies me the Glasga Kiss, Square oan the NEB! Of
Course I does a double backward Summersault over the BarStool and lands on
a heap on the floor! Meanwhile! Not being one tae miss an opportunity the
Big NED and his mates get stuck in wie the Boot!
Suddenly I wiz sittin on the Barstool, Watchin as the Ned and his Mates Played Five-A-Side wie ma Heid.
Shouted one of the Neds, And they all stopped playing Fitba wie me heid
and Buggered aff!
!n rushed a couple o they Big Strathcylde Polis and a couple o Medic's
He sent a massive charge of electricity through ma Chest, And ma poor
body "BUNNY HOPPED ACROSS the PUB FLOOR!