1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it
is yours for the entire period of this time around. 2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full time
informed school called life. Each day in this school you will
have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons
or think them irrelevant and stupid. 3. There are no mistakes, only lessons: Growth is a process of
trial and error: Experimentation. The "failed" experiments are
as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately
"works." 4. A lesson is repeated until learned: A lesson will be
presented to you in various forms until you have learned it.
When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson. 5. Learning lessons never ends. There is no part of life that
does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are
lessons to be learned. 6. "There" is no better than "here." When your there has become
a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will
again look better than "here." 7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate
something about another person unless it reflects something you
love or hate about yourself. 8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the
tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to
you. 9. Your answers lie inside you: The answers to life questions
lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust. 10. You will forget all of this.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD
player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice
echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
When he heard nothing more, after a while, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then
clicked the light back on and began searching for more
valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the
wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for
the source of the voice.
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people
that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
Pepsi Corp., immediately upon hearing, dispatched a rescue
team. Upon arriving, the team was approached by a group of
cannibals.
"Oh yes. I had a thigh, and with a Pepsi it was quite
delicious," replied the cannibal. "In fact," he went on, "my
friend and I shared some arms, and with a couple of Pepsi's
they were very tasty."
"Most definitely", said the cannibal. "The brains, especially,
are a real delicacy. We divided them up and with some Pepsi's
they were absolutely gourmet." The rescuer, now getting very uneasy but with his curiosity at
an unbearable level, asked, "Well, what about their....
their.... well, you know... their 'things'? Do you eat them,
too?"
One day on the farm old Amos & Andy were walking through the
corn field and Amos saw some little dark colored pellets in a
pile and asked Andy what they were.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an
upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street
towards him.
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin
bouncing quickly behind him.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of
the coffin clapping.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
sobbing gasps.... With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything...
his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin. Desperate, he throws the Benylin as hard as he can at the
apparition....
The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton
Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £5,000 that he
jumps!" to which Beckham replies, "£5,000? Done! I bet that he
doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure
enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud
splattt. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands
it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I
was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was
going to jump." "No, babe," says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I
was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news,
too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
Viagra is now available in liquid form. FDA officials today
announced the release of the wonder drug, Viagra, in a new,
easy-to-take liquid form. Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour
themselves a stiff one.
This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and
their standards: They're still laughing about this at IBM.
Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts
manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the
specifications, they stated that they will only accept three
defective parts per 10,000. When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. It
said, "We Japanese had a hard time understanding North American
business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000
have been separately manufactured and have been included in the
consignment. Hope this pleases you."
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to
the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual
lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing
on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the
only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform
the other dwarfs what she was doing. After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her
blouse!" and this as echoed down the stack "taking off her
blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off,"
"taking off her blouse," etc. Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was
followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking
off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt,"
etc. Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her
bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down
the dwarf tower. Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw
someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's
coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard,
"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."The rules for being human