Aviation Jokes

CONTROLLER : RFG 312, fliegen Sie direkt nach Olno VOR:Brauchen Sie einen Radar Vector?
PILOT : Nein, es geht auch so, wir koennen das VOR schon empfangen.Es liegt genau in der Richtung wo der Mond steht.
CONTROLLER : Ja,aber den haben wir nicht auf dem Radarschirm.

PILOT : Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up.
GROUND : Sorry, XY-line 195, we donït have your flight plan.What is your destination?
PILOT : Wie jeden Montag, nach Leipzig.
GROUND : Aber, aehh, wir haben heute doch Dienstag!
PILOT : WAS ? Am Dienstag haben wir doch frei!

CONTROLLER : Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two houres ago?
PILOT : Negativ, Sir.Itïs only the same pilot.

PILOT : Tower, da brennt ein Runway-light.
LOTSE : Ich hoffe da brennen mehrere.
PILOT : Sorry, ich meine, es qualmt!

TOWER : Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway.
PILOT : Roger, weïll check the car on the runway.

CONTROLLER : Delta Romeo Zulu, confirm you are inbound to Sulz NDB?
PILOT : Affirm, but we donït receive it!

TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.

PILOT: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
GROUND: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
PILOT: Please confirm, two hours delay?
GROUND: Affirmative.
PILOT: In that case, cancel the good morning!

TOWER: Paris tower to all aircraft, QNH is now 1017hPa.
PILOT: How come? Did everybody open their windows?

TOWER: Mission 1234, your are cleared to...via...and via...After take off... and...then...climb to...and further...and descend...further instructions on frequency...or...and squawk...Acknowledge please!
PILOT: Roger tower, we are cancelling IFR.

CONTROLLER : Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
PILOT : Say again.
CONTROLLER : Squawk 0476.
PILOT : Four, zero....?
CONTROLLER : Wollen sie nen leichteren haben?

PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.

PILOT : Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west?
TOWER : Yes.
PILOT : Yes,what?
TOWER : Yes,SIR!

CONTROLLER (in Stuttgart) : Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
PILOT : Das is ja wie in Frankfurt.Da gibts auch nur 210 und 170 Knoten....aber wir sind ja flexibel.
CONTROLLER : Wir auch!Reduce to 173 knots.

CONTROLLER : Delta Zulu Romeo,turn right now and report your heading.
PILOT: Wilco.341, 342, 343, 344, 345....

LOWA, in den 70er Jahren.

C 337 OE-FRR mit dem Pruefer Norbert R. und dem Kandidaten Hans R. bemannt, startet auf RWY 18. (Laenge 600m). Vor Erreichen der Vmc nimmt der Pruefer einen Motor heraus. Der Twin-Kandidat reagiert nach Vorschrift, nimmt auch den zweiten Motor zurueck und bremst.
Darauf meint der Pruefer: "Nein, so habe ich das nicht gemeint" und schiebt beide wieder auf Vollast. Dann war das Pistenende erreicht.
Controller Gerd S., den Startvorgang beobachtend, stellt Verbindung zu LOWW Twr her : "Oscar Romeo Romeo is airborne... ", sieht das Desaster und
setzt fort : "ah, disregard, der liegt auf der Gosch'n".

Silvesterabend LOWW.

Eine LH erhaelt die route-clearence : "LH xxx is cleared to Frankfurt,
FL 60 initial, expect level change enroute, proceed Tulln-Linz-Straubing".
LH xxx liest korrekt zurueck und fuegt noch ein "Prosit Neujahr" an.
Darauf Wien : "LH xxx, negativ, proceed Tulln-Linz-Straubing".

LOWL, in den 60er Jahren.

Eine YAK 11 mit Major "Janos" M. im short approach auf 27L.
Tower : "Check, you have gear down !".
YAK 11: "Wette Gulasch und Bier, Fahrwerk ist draussen!".
Major M. nach der fulminanten Bauchlandung zum Chefcontroller :
"Hast gewonnen Gulasch und Bier.".

LOWL, in den 60er Jahren.

Bei der L 20 Beaver war Vorschrift, dass bei IFR-Fluegen alle Insassen gebrauchsfertige Fallschirme anzulegen hatten. Oberst B. unmittelbar vor dem Start zu seinen Passagieren : "Meine Herren, wenn ich sage Aussteigen und es fragt mich einer, warum, so fuehrt er bereits Selbstgespaeche!".

70er Jahre.

Eine Twin meldet "short on fuel" und verlangt Priority. Auf die Frage des Tower, wieviel Treibstoff noch zur Verfuegung stehe, antwortet die Twin :
"Lieber Freund, - Sie sprechen bereits mit einem Segelflieger".

EDDM, in den 70er Jahren.

Ein LH liner im Anflug Nr. 2, vor ihm eine C 172.
Tower : "D-ECSG, break-off to the right, Lufthansa-liner close behind you".
C-172 : "Munich tower, say all again after airliner"
Tower : "D-ECSG, immediately turn off to the right!"
C-172 : "Munich tower, please say again"
LH : Ein urbayrischer Kapitaen :
"A Rechtskurven soll'st fliagn, Du Hirsch!"

Ueber Deutschland.

Ein Kapitaen entschuldigt seine Kursabweichung mit einem "Geraetefehler".
Daraufhin hoert man im Funksprech eine dritte Stimme : "Hast Du keine bessere Ausrede ?"
Der Kaept'n erbost : "Wer war das ?"
Nochmals die unbekannte Stimme : "Dein Copilot neben Dir!"

Luftschlacht um England.

Eine Bf 109, vom Verband abgeplatzt, auf dem Rueckflug ueber den Kanal :
"Ich bin allein, ich bin ganz allein !"
Unbekannte Stimme im FT : "Halt die Schnauze, bloeder Hund, Du bist nicht allein. Eine Spitfire haengt an Deinem Arsch !".

Luftschlacht um England.

Eine Bf 110, mit einem zerschossenen Motor einen Jaegerplatz ansteuernd :
"Achtung, Achtung, mache Einmotorenlandung. Platz frei, Platz frei !".
Darauf die Stimme eines Bf 109-Jaegers :
"Reg Dich nicht auf, ich mache immer Einmotorenlandungen!"

Ahlhorn

Einem juengeren Piloten, der mit einer Do 27 eine Wochentagslandung gemacht hatte, gab Ahlhorn Tower die "Rollanweisung": "Now jump left to apron".

LOIJ, in den 70er Jahren.

Die Cessna 207 Skywagon OE-DKC im Anflug auf den Platz zum Absetzen der Springer.
Pilot Norbert K., vom lauten Verhalten seiner Skydiver schon leicht genervt, nach Einholen der Dropping-clearence :
"Spielt's im Hof draussen weiter!"

Ueber dem Atlantik, in den 70er Jahren.

Eine SR 71 Blackbird fliegt nach einem Besuch bei der Luftfahrtshow in Farnborough ueber den Atlantik zurueck in die USA. Die SR 71 meldet sich bei Atlantic Control und schliesst an : "Request Level 600."
Der Controller, offensichtlich mit der Performance einer SR 71 nicht vertraut: "If you can reach, then cleared Level 600."
Darauf die SR 71 : "Roger, leaving 800 for 600."

Unbestaetigten Geruechten zufolge, weist das Mikro des Controllers seit damals deutliche Bissspuren auf.

LOWA, in den 80er Jahren

Auf einem Kleinorientierungsflug nach Grossschweinbarth fliegt der Eleve Michael C., anstatt nach dem Ueberfliegen von VOR WGM einen Kurs von 360 Grad zu halten, bei diesigem Wetter der Strasse nach Gaenserndorf nach, also einen ca. Kurs 090. Instructor Norbert K. wartet, bis Deutsch Wagram ausser Sicht ist und Gänserndorf noch nicht gesehen werden kann, dann kommt die unvermeidliche Frage :"Wo sind wir ?"
Hektisches Suchen auf der Karte fuehrt zu keinen Resultaten. Weitere Frage : "Was machen wir jetzt ?"
Fuehrt ebenfalls nicht zum erwuenschten Resultat, Suedkurs zu nehmen und eine Reorientierung mittels der Auffanglinie Donau zu erreichen. Norbert K. plant nun, da er seinen etwas schreckhaften Eleven kennt, einen boesen Scherz. Schaltet beim nicht benuetzten COM 2 die Frequenz um und simuliert folgenden Funkspruch
"Bratislava Control, this is OE DTP, a very good morning".
Die daraufhin ausbrechende Panik war fuerchterlich !

LOWA, in den 80er Jahren

Chief Instructor Klaus D., auf Kleinorientierungsflug mit einem sehr "tauben" Schueler nach dem Nichterkennen von mindestens drei leicht erkennbaren Orten :
"Sag mir wenigstens, ueber welchem Bundesland wir sind !".

TOWER : Say altitude.
PILOT : altitude.
TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Say cancel IFR!

Neulich ueber Italien:
ATC : REACH 734A, say your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, say again.
ATC : REACH 734A, say your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, heading 210. ATC : REACH 734A, request your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, say again.
ATC : REACH 734A, request your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, maintaining FL 290.
ATC : REACH 734A, i say again, request your speed in Mach!
PILOT : REACH 734A, roger, maintaining heading 210.
UNKNOWN: Hey Reach, what is the name of your wife?
PILOT : REACH 734A, Mach .74

PILOT : Tower, give me a rough time check!
TOWER : Itïs tuesday...

TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Arghl,give me your fuel!!
PILOT : Sorry, need it by myself.....

PILOT : Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar OscarKilo established ILS 16.
TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16 , wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower.
PILOT : (Nach einer Denkpause) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed
the outer marker. TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more : you are appoaching Vienna!
PILOT : (Nach einer weiteren Denkpause) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
TOWER : You can believe me, this is Vienna!
PILOT : (....Denkpause....) But why??We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger.Discontinue approach, turn left 060 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.

TOWER : Delta Delta Whiskey, rollen sie ueber Teerweg zwo null neun Charlie und Mike zum GAC.
PILOT : AEH...Teerweg zwo...??
TOWER : Das ist der kleine rechts.Sie sind gerade dran vorbeigerollt.
PILOT : Sorry.
TOWER : Donït worry , nehmen sie den Mike.
PILOT : Aeh, ...Mike??
TOWER : Das ist der letzte ganz hinten rechts....

PILOT : Condor 471, gibtïs hier keinen Follow-me ?
TOWER : Negativ, sehen Sie mal zu, wie Sie allein zum Gate 10 kommen.

PILOT : ....Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
TOWER : Roger.You are a fuel truck.

CONTROLLER : Phatom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign !!
PILOT : Iïm not silly...!!

PILOT: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
TOWER: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
PILOT: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
* I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
* Me? I've never busted minimums.
* We will be on time, maybe even early.
* Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
* I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
* I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
* All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
* I'm a member of the mile high club.
* I only need glasses for reading.
* I broke out right at minimums.
* The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
* Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
* If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
* I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
* We shipped the part yesterday.
* I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
* All you have to do is follow the book.
* This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
* We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
* Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
* I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
* No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
* Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
* We'll be home by lunchtime.
* Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
* I'm always glad to see the FAA.
* We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
* It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
* I thought YOU took care of that.
* I've got the field in sight.
* I've got the traffic in sight.
* Of course I know where we are.
* I'm SURE the gear was down.

The Pilot's Prayer

Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.

Roger.

What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.

What's the purpose of the propeller?

To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing--collapses the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown landing--same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.
The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?" "Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:

Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all of his landings.

Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much trouble during the day?"

The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen up, then I just pull back."

On my first solo cross country, I was flying north through the San Fernando valley and trying to keep track of traffic callouts. Apparently there was a controller with a similar problem.

He had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a private plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a period of about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren't quite what they wanted ... and finally the commercial jet pilot enquired as to where he was being sent.

There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops" and 30 seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency said:

"Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a factor.

This story is TRUE: told by the pilot and confirmed by ATC.

Southend National 676 - Cleared for takeoff; report passing 2000ft. ATC:
NAA676: Cleared for takeoff; call you passing 2000.
NAA676: Southend, 676 is passing 2000, climbing
Southend: 676 call London 128.6
NAA676: To London 128.6 - see you on the way home.
(in the process of changing freq. 676 loses the door - yes the DOOR on a BE90)
NAA676: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday London Control this is National 676, 4 miles west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am returning climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend.
London ATC: NAA 676, roger. Are you in control of the Aircraft?
NAA676: No more than usual !!!!

AIRCRAFT: I'm fucking bored!
F/S Last A/C transmitting please identify yourself
AIRCRAFT: I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!

A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was aked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there.

Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet.

I'm a commercial pilot, and a couple of years ago I was listening to the scanner late at night near DFW airport. I heard the following true to life exchange (the names have been changed to protect the innocent, but it was DFW tower).

DFW Tower: "Lonestar 189, clear to land 18R, wind calm."
Lonestar: "Roger, cleared to land 18R."
Lonestar: "Tower, we hit something."
DFW Tower: YOU DID WHAT???
Lonestar: "We hit a small animal or something on the runway. Ya know, some sort of road kill or something."
DFW Tower: "UPS 31 HEAVY, be advised company that just landed ahead of you on runway 18R reports hitting some sort of roadkill."
UPS 31: "That's allright, we'll flatten it out a little bit for ya!"

NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You make-a funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"

Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country. Instructor: Turns down the panel lights, "OK, you've just lost your lights, what are you going to do?" Student pulls out a flashlight. Student: "I get out my flashlight." Instructor grabs flashlight. Instructor: "The batteries are dead, now what are you going to do?" Student pulls out another flashlight. Student: "I get out my other flashlight." Instructor grabs next flashlight. Instructor: "The bulb is burned out on this one, now what?" Student pulls out yet a third flashlight. Student: "I use this flashlight." Instructor grabs this one too. Instructor: "ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?" Student: "I use this glow stick." Instructor: "Sighhhhhh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?"

"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch."

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Story I heard when I was getting my private on Long Island: Local fellow working his way up had padded his logbook with extra twin time. For a couple of these "flights" he'd used the tail number of a twin he'd seenn passing through his airport -- it looked like it was from far away, and headed back there. The checkride was at a bigger airport nearby. After the ride the examiner was looking at the logbook and checking the totals. "Nice plane, that N12345" says the examiner. "Sure is," says the candidate. "I don't suppose you know that I own that plane?" asked the examiner as he motioned out the window to where it was parked, just down the line.

If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money.

Commandments of Helicopter Flying.

* He who inspecteth not his aircraft giveth his angels cause to concern him.
* Hallowed is thy airflow across thy disc restoring thine Translational Lift.
* Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground, for vast is the area of destruction.
* Blessed is he who strives to retain his standards, for without them he shall surely perish.
* Thou shalt maintain thy speed whilst between ten and four hundred feet lest the earth rise and smite thee.
* Thou shall not make trial of thy centre of gravity lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
* Thou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad is the way to destruction.
* He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind him shall surely make restitution.
* He who alloweth his tail rotor to catch in the thorns curseth his childrens children.
* Observe thou this parable lest on the morrow thy friends mourn thee.

A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine):

After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our first officer".

Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the Captain did an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our Captain".

The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say that for?".

The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to you!".

"But I never keyed the mike!", responded the Captain.

Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.

The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:

* Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
* Join our frequent near-miss program.
* Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
* Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!
* Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
* Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
* The kids will love our inflatable slides.
* You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!
* Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
* Delta: We might be landing on your street!
* Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
* Bring a bathing suit.
* So that's what these buttons do!
* Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
* Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)

San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

Here is a joke that I read in a cartoon in Air Force magazine a while back. I can only paraphrase and the animation is helpful too, but:

Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet into a vertical climb. After a few seconds he got a call from the tower as follows, "Ghost 53Z, tower. Say heading," to which the pilot responded "Uh, up, sir."

A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Allentown. It's totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall office building.

He rolls down the window (this particular plane happens to have roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?"

The person responds "In an airplane!"

The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a perfect landing at ABE.

As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how the response you got was any use."

"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the PP&L building."

This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!" The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True, most pilots use the airport over there."

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."
Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

An obvious student in a AH Jeffco

Cessna 152: Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final, for ah runway ah 11...
Jeffco Tower: You're not on final. Final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!

PILOT: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible.
ATC:QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.
PILOT: {sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!
ATC:Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy, Taxi, Destination Stockton.
Ground:Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport.

A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.

Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Us: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g , very l..o..n..g pause.

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)

So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.

The tower was having some difficulty working a student pilot in the pattern and it finally came down to this;

TOWER:95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
TOWER:95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
TOWER:95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.

TOWER:95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."

(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.

(long pause)

Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6.
Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6!
Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife -- you never listen!
Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!

Anyway, I heard these two on the air this week:

(Scene 1: It's night over Las Vegas, information H (Hotel) is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control)

Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
Approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.

Leaving Palo Alto on Friday. A Citabria had just landed:

PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
Me: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
Me: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.

A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard:

PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.

My primary instructor always told me that I fly like that famous Chinese pilot, Wan Wing Lo.

This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!" The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True, most pilots use the airport over there."

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."
Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

An obvious student in a AH Jeffco

Cessna 152: Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final, for ah runway ah 11...
Jeffco Tower: You're not on final. Final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!

PILOT: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible.
ATC:QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.
PILOT: {sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!
ATC:Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy, Taxi, Destination Stockton.
Ground:Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport.

A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.

Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Us: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g , very l..o..n..g pause.

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)

So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.

The tower was having some difficulty working a student pilot in the pattern and it finally came down to this;

TOWER:95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
TOWER:95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
TOWER:95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.

TOWER:95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."

(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.

(long pause)

Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6.
Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6!
Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife -- you never listen!
Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!

Anyway, I heard these two on the air this week:

(Scene 1: It's night over Las Vegas, information H (Hotel) is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control)

Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
Approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.

Leaving Palo Alto on Friday. A Citabria had just landed:

PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
Me: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
Me: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.

A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard:

PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.

My primary instructor always told me that I fly like that famous Chinese pilot, Wan Wing Lo.

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From Pilot Magazine and entered in Bike Magazine: The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" (British Police Wit).

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed.

-- that old Web guy, mccoy@gothamcity.jsc.nasa.gov

?

257, Do you have Charlie?
Tower, 257, Negative, we left him back at the hanger!

257, Do you have Echo?
Tower, 257, Negative, recieving you loud and clear!

257, Do you have Hotel?
Tower, 257, Negative, We are staying with friends!

257, Do you have Juliet?
Tower, 257, Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife!

257, Do you have Kilo?
Tower, 257, Negative, but I think there a couple roaches in the ashtray!

257, Do you have Mike?
Tower, 257, Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset!

257, Do you have Oscar?
Tower, 257, Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year!

257, Do you have Popa?
Tower, 257, Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week!

257, Do you have Romeo?
Tower, 257, Negative, Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

257, Do you have Uniform?
Tower, 257, Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt!

257, Do you have Victor?
Tower, 257, Negative, Who is Victor?

257, Do you have Xray?
Tower, 257, Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan!

257, Do you have Whiskey?
Tower, 257, Negative, not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned heading?

-- Bill Turcotte, DO, turco002@gold.tc.umn.edu

Q: What is the definition of a non-precision approach?

A: A blond on an ILS

-- MICHAEL MAZZONE@mindlink.bc.ca

Another true story. This happened late one evening when I was working operations control. This was obviously the crew's first time at RDU.

I had already given the numbers along w/ gate assignment to the crew. The conversation with as follows.

Crew:

Raleigh-Durham this is five-seven-five coming at ya. Confirm gate assignment.

Self:

Five-seven-five gate assignment is ten that's one-zero.

Crew:

Raleigh-Durham copy ten one-zero

Self:

Affirmative five-seven-five.

Crew:

Raleigh-Durham we're on the ground.

Self:

Five-seven-five copy on the ground.

Crew:

Uhhh Raleigh-Durham where is our ground crew?

Self:

Ground crew on the ground at gate 10 that's one-zero sir.

Crew:

Raleigh-Durham, I thought you had jetways at this airport.

Self:

Affirmative on the jetways five-seven-five.

Crew:

Raleigh-Durham WHERE IS THE GROUND CREW????

Self:

Five-seven-five..the ground crew saw you land, but where are you? Identify your surroundings, sir.

Crew:

Raeigh-Durham, we are parked by a DC-9, tail number niner-two-five and there is a UPS stretch 727 on the other end of the terminal.

Self:

Copy that sir. Sir, I strongly suggest you announce a gate change. You have parked yourself at the Air Freight terminal.

Crew:

Ugh oh! Copy gate change.

Crew announced a gate change and arrived several minutes later.

-- Brenda,
Raleigh, North Carolina
brendamc@bws.com

Heard in an Lufthansa Boeing 747-400 cockpit:

How does the Airbus A340 manage to climb?
By the bend of the earth!

Seen in FLIEGERMAGAZIN, Germany:

Controler: Citation 1234, if you stop calling me Center, I'll stop calling you twin-Cessna!

-- Guido Frey, Germany

Landing Rating Scale:

5. Marvelous, ace. Couldn't do better myself.
4. I've seen better; just can't remember when.
3. Average. I could do better with my eyes closed.
2. You going to log all of those?
1. That wasn't a landing; that was an arrival.
0. Go get the trailer, boys.

-- George Patterson

Another true story which took place in the baggage claim office. Psgr arriving early am flt f/ LGA for meeting had ck'd his briefcase AND as you can imagine, it did not arrive on the flt.

Psgr:

(literally pounding his fist on the ctr ) I want to know who is in charge here!!!!!

Agt:

Looks like you are sir.

Psgr:

Young man, that is not funny! I want to speak to someone w/ a little authority!!!!!!!

Agt:

I've got about as little as anybody, maybe I can help you!

At this point the psgr stormed out of the office to find a mgr.

-- Brenda Moss-Clifton, brendamc@bws.com

A new mother boarded the a/c w/ her little inf. Very proudly gracing her way to her seat...and settling in.. she uncovers the infant's head..

Psgr seated next to her said, 'Lady, that is the ugliest baby I've ever seen, IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A MONKEY!'

The new mother became extremely upset and started crying... The F/A heard the lady crying and walked over to console her.

F/A: Ma'm may I get something for you? Coffee, tea, milk, or a banana for your monkey?

-- Brenda Moss-Clifton, brendamc@bws.com

A PPL friend of mine was at a private game reserve near South Africa's Kruger Park. After dinner, the guests had assembled around the camp fire for nightcaps and general chatter. Our intrepid aviator was regaling the guests (endlessly!) with stories of (his) heroism behind the controls of an aircraft, explaining why it is that pilots are such a special breed of human beings!

One of the guests was a middle-aged, experienced, senior cabin attendant with a major airline on a stopover in South Africa. She had obviously come across every type of pilot in her time, including the sort now lecturing the guests. When the monolgue had finshed, she spoke up:

"That was great! Tell me, do you know what they call little eagles?"

"Eaglets" my friend replied

"Right. And what about little pigs?"

"Piglets" came the confident response

"You bet. How about little owls?"

No problem. "Owlets"

"Yup. Say, do you know what they call little haemorrhoids?" No reply. My friend confessed he didn't know. "Pilots" said the hostie and with that she bade everyone goodnight and went to bed!

-- Graham Speller, speller@iaccess.za

Reportedly true, I know the controller, and can believe it:

ATC:

"Delta 23, cross Gainesville at and maintain flight level two seven zero."

Delta23:

"Delta 23, roger."

?

(three minutes later, Delta 23 is five miles from GNV, still at FL 350)

ATC:

"Delta 23, did you copy the crossing restriction, Gainesville at flight level two seven zero?"

Delta23:

"uhhh..... Jax... we're gonna miss that, my first officer took that clearance"

ATC:

"Delta 23, do you think you could borrow his notes?"

I know this one is true, I was the controller:

ATC:

"Critter 127, maintain flight level two niner zero, traffic twelve o'clock, niner miles, opposite direction at flight level two eight zero, King Air."

Critter:

"Critter 127, roger."

ATC:

"Critter, correction, your traffic at flight level two eight zero is a Beech Starship."

Critter:

"Critter, roger, we have the backwards King Air in sight."

[for the unfamiliar, a Starship is an aircraft with "pusher" engines, and a canard wing]

-- RbnHood@aol.com

What's the difference between God and pilots?

God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing--collapses the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown landing--same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.

The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?" "Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:

Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all of his landings.

Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much trouble during the day?"

The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen up, then I just pull back."

On my first solo cross country, I was flying north through the San Fernando valley and trying to keep track of traffic callouts. Apparently there was a controller with a similar problem.

He had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a private plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a period of about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren't quite what they wanted ... and finally the commercial jet pilot enquired as to where he was being sent.

There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops" and 30 seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency said:

"Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a factor.

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation

I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.

Me? I've never busted minimums.

We will be on time, maybe even early.

Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.

I have no interest in flying for the airlines.

I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.

All that turbulence spoiled my landing.

I'm a member of the mile high club.

I only need glasses for reading.

I broke out right at minimums.

The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.

Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.

If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.

I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.

We shipped the part yesterday.

I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.

All you have to do is follow the book.

This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.

We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.

Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.

I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.

No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.

Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?

We'll be home by lunchtime.

Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.

I'm always glad to see the FAA.

We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.

It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?

I thought YOU took care of that.

I've got the field in sight.

I've got the traffic in sight.

Of course I know where we are.

I'm SURE the gear was down.

EXCERPT FROM RECENT FAA ACCIDENT REPORT

EYEWITNESS STATEMENT

AIRCRAFT: CESSNA 172
PILOT: 30 YRS OLD, CFI, IR
FATALITIES: None
DAMAGE: Substantial
DATE OF ACCIDENT: July 10 1982

WITNESS: Line attendant at *** airport

Pilot came to airport at 9 AM 10 Jul 1982. Line boy reports padlock on his hangar door was so rusted he had to break it off with a 10# ball-peen hammer.

Also had to inflate all 3 tires and scrap pigeon droppings off wind-screen. After several attempts to drain fuel strainers--pilot finally got what looked like fuel out of the wings sumps. Couldn't get the oil dipstick out of the engine but said it was okay last time he looked.

Engine started okay -- ran rough for about 1/2 minute. Then died. Then battery would not turn prop. Used battery cart and although starter was smoking real good, it finally started and the prop wash blew the smoke away.

Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot said he was late for an appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn't far. Taxied about 1/2 way out to active runway and the engine stopped. Pushed it back to the fuel pumps and bought 3 gallons for the left wing tank. Started it again. This time, he was almost out to the runway when it quit again. Put a little rock under nose wheel; hand propped it; and was seen still trying to climb in the airplane as it went across the runway. Finally got in it; blew out the right tire trying to stop before the cement plant.

When he taxied back in to have the tire changed, he also had the line boy hit the right wing with 3 gallons of gas. Witness, who saw the take-off, said the aircraft lined up and took off to the north. Takeoff looked fairly normal -- nose came up about 300 ft down the runway. At midfield nose came down. Engine coughed twice -- then cut power and applied the brakes which made both doors fly open and a big fat brown book fell out on the runway and released probably a million little white pages with diagrams on them. Looked like sort of a snow storm.

After several real loud runups at the end, he turned her around and took off in the other direction going south into the wind. Only this time he horsed her off at the end and pulled her up real steep like one of them jet fighter planes -- to about 300 ft -- then the engine quit!

Did a sort of a slow turn back toward the airport -- kinda like that Art School guy -- and about 30 ft off the McDonald's cafe she started roaring again. He did sort of a high speed pass down the runway; put the flaps down to full and that sucker went up like he was going to do an Immelman!

The engine quit again and he turned right and I thought he was coming right through the front window of the F.B.O.; but he pulled her up -- went through the TV antenna and the little rooster with the NSE&W things -- over the building then bounced the main wheels off the roof of 3 different cars in the lot -- a Porsche, a Mercedes and Dr. Brown's new El Dorado.

When he bounced off the El Dorado the engine roared to life and he got her flying. Came around toward the runway and set her down -- once on the overrun, once on the runway and once in the grass beside the runway. He taxied into the ramp -- shut her down -- and ordered 3 more gallons of gas. Said it was for safety's sake.

Then he asked where the phone booth was as he had to call his student and tell him he was going to be a little bit late.

Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country.

Instructor:

Turns down the panel lights, "OK, you've just lost your lights, what are you going to do?"

Instructor:

Turns down the panel lights, "OK, you've just lost your lights, what are you going to do?"

?

Student pulls out a flashlight.

Student:

"I get out my flashlight."

?

Instructor grabs flashlight.

Instructor:

"The batteries are dead, now what are you going to do?"

?

Student pulls out another flashlight.

Student:

"I get out my other flashlight."

?

Instructor grabs next flashlight.

Instructor:

"The bulb is burned out on this one, now what?"

?

Student pulls out yet a third flashlight.

Student:

"I use this flashlight."

?

Instructor grabs this one too.

Instructor:

"ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?"

Student:

"I use this glow stick."

Instructor:

"Sighhhhhh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?"

"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch."

Taken from the Last Page, Motorcyclist, September 1991

(The article is accompanied by a photo of a bike in the background. In the foreground we have a man in leathers w/ helmet holding a large bird from one wingtip. The wingspan is roughly as wide as he is tall...)

Perils of Road Testing No. 23

Staffer Lance Holst recently set a record by claiming the largest confirmed road kill ever recorded during Motorcyclist testing. In fact, due to the size of the bird and the circumstances surrounding its demise, Holst was required to submit to interrogation by the FAA, as well as the NTSB, AAA, the National Audubon Society and the Guinness Book of Records. We quote the official FAA report.

"During a routine evaluation session at Motorcyclist's desert test complex, staffer Holst was traveling at a necessarily elevated rate of speed whilst quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test unit. Operating under Visual Riding Rules, Holst sighted an unauthorized buzzard on the road surface ahead, eating an unidentified dead thing (UDT). Apparently distracted by a particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said buzzard failed to initiate its take-off roll expeditiously and was still in the early phases of a full-power climb-out when Holst (traveling at approximately 200 ft./sec.) realized a collision was imminent. Holst's helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the right wing root, resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the bird's flight-control system. Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily immediately after impact but maintained control of his vehicle. Later examination of his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to its energy-absorbing liner, indicating the severity of the impact.

"Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not developing power after the initial collision and traveled in a ballistic arc of substantial height, eventually impacting the ground in a steep nose-down attitude. There was no fire after impact. The bird was not transponder equipped and had not filed a flight plan.

"CAUSE OF ACCIDENT: BUZZARD ERROR"

Story I heard when I was getting my private on Long Island: Local fellow working his way up had padded his logbook with extra twin time. For a couple of these "flights" he'd used the tail number of a twin he'd seenn passing through his airport -- it looked like it was from far away, and headed back there. The checkride was at a bigger airport nearby. After the ride the examiner was looking at the logbook and checking the totals.

"Nice plane, that N12345" says the examiner.

"Sure is," says the candidate.

"I don't suppose you know that I own that plane?" asked the examiner as he motioned out the window to where it was parked, just down the line.

If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money.

Commandments of Helicopter Flying.

He who inspecteth not his aircraft giveth his angels cause to concern him.

Hallowed is thy airflow across thy disc restoring thine Translational Lift.

Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground, for vast is the area of destruction.

Blessed is he who strives to retain his standards, for without them he shall surely perish.

Thou shalt maintain thy speed whilst between ten and four hundred feet lest the earth rise and smite thee.

Thou shall not make trial of thy centre of gravity lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

Thou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad is the way to destruction.

He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind him shall surely make restitution.

He who alloweth his tail rotor to catch in the thorns curseth his childrens children.

Observe thou this parable lest on the morrow thy friends mourn thee.

A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine):

After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our first officer".

Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the Captain did an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our Captain".

The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say that for?".

The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to you!".

"But I never keyed the mike!" responded the Captain.

Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?

A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.

The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:

Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.

Join our frequent near-miss program.

Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!

Complimentary champagne in free-fall.

Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

The kids will love our inflatable slides.

You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!

Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

Delta: We might be landing on your street!

Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

Bring a bathing suit.

So that's what these buttons do!

Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

Top Ten New Advertising Slogans for Delta Airlines (From David Letterman)

10. We're Amtrak with WIngs

9. Join Our Frequent Near-Miss Program

8. Ask About Out-of-Court Settlements

7. Noisy Engines? We'll Turn 'Em Off!

6. Complimentary Champagne in Free-Fall

5. Enjoy the In-Flight Movie on the Plane Next to You

4. The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides

3. Terrorists Are Afraid to Fly with Us

2. Our Pilots Are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose

1. We Might Be Landing on Your Street!

Did you hear about the duck who flew upside down? He quacked up.

An FAA Inspector walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."

Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)

San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

Here is a joke that I read in a cartoon in Air Force magazine a while back. I can only paraphrase and the animation is helpful too, but:

Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet into a vertical climb. After a few seconds he got a call from the tower as follows, "Ghost 53Z, tower. Say heading," to which the pilot responded "Uh, up, sir."

A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Allentown. It's totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall office building.

He rolls down the window (this particular plane happens to have roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?"

The person responds "In an airplane!"

The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a perfect landing at ABE.

As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how the response you got was any use."

"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the PP&L building."

Big Iron engine and airplane company announced the first flight of the new Razzle 200 airliner. Chief test pilot Frank Lee Candid emerged from the cockpit shaken, dripping with sweat. He tried to muster a smile for the cameras and blurted out, "Damn, I'm happy to be alive."

Regaining his composure, he said the airplane flew "well, and the test was nearly according to plan." The only deviations from expected flight test results were a few cases of high speed flutter and one brief but violent control hard-over, responsible for the highly theatrical snap roll seen on short final. Henri Flaque, company press agent, noted that the snap roll showed the inherent strength of the Razzle 200 airframe, holding together despite the 30% corkscrew twist of the empennage.

Aircraft systems performed "nearly flawlessly," Candid said. The sole problem was in a landing gear actuator which began an uncommanded gear retraction during what was supposed to be a simple high speed taxi run. When the gear left the runway of its own accord, Candid said he was glad for the opportunity to check out the 200's handling. The approach was delayed briefly while the landing gear extended and retracted itself a number of times until the hydraulic power unit burned out, fortunately with the gear in a generally "down" position.

The new Thruster KY-20 turbofan was praised for retaining most of its parts during the test flight. "That's one rugged engine," Flaque said. Candid noted the fuel consumption was "frightening", adding that checks were being made to assure that the fuel did flow through the engine and not out of a large hole in the tank. Smoke emissions were said to be well below Pittsburgh Valley standards.

Several questions to Candid had to be repeated at a louder volume, a problem Candid laughingly dismissed to a minor, temporary deafness caused by some "harmonic resonances and vibrations" experienced in the cockpit. A slight window seal leak which sucked the cigarettes out of his shirt pocket was the only other cockpit environment problem.

Candid, apparently thinking about his experiences, was still chuckling under his breath, slowly and quietly, when asked whether he had considered using the ejection seat, specially installed for the test program. he seemed at that moment to remember the ejection handle still in his rigidly clenched left hand, a few multicolored wires dangling From the end. Smiling sickly, he held it up for all to see, his hand trembling from the muscle tension. "Guess I'm lucky this baby didn't fire," he admitted. "We made the parachute, too."

Federal Aviation Agency,

Washington 25, D.C.

Gentlemen:

I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.

The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. but on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me >From another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.

On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.

When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.

We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's rediculous. I never saw sow many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape.

The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket htat I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?

It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead wigh sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.

Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computor. I am a whiz at that computor, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourseelf, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning. I dedided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it semed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occured because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.

As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.

To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer. Evidently there were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talkig about some god damn stupid son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.

Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something.

Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license airmail, special delivery.

Very, truly yours,

Two hunters hired a bush pilot to fly them to a remote lake in Alaska. As he dropped them off, the pilot said, "Now, you can legally shoot one moose apiece, but don't do it. We can't possibly get out of here with two moose strapped onto the pontoons." The hunters promised, but temptation was too great, and they shot two. When the pilot returned to pick them up he screamed and hollered, but finally they strapped a moose to each pontoon. Went to the downwind end of the lake, firewalled it, finally lifted off just at the far shore. The plane struggled to climb, but the terrain rose faster. They went into the trees. When the noise quieted down the pilot said, "I told you SOB's we couldn't get out of this lake with two moose aboard!" One hunter replied, Well, we got about a half a mile farther than we did last year!"

You can flesh it out with details.

regards,

vince norris, penn state u.

The Pilot's Prayer

Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.

Roger.

What's the purpose of the propeller?

To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

Cessna:

"Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower:

"Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna:

"Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor..."

(This one really happened - the FE was suspended:)

On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on. Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!!

This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!" The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True, most pilots use the airport over there."

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Cont:

"AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot:

"Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later):

"AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot:

"AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Cont:

"AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed):

"Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Cont:

"No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

A friend of mine in my unit in Germany used to tell this story on himself and I thought it was hilarious. Seems he was flying an Army UH-1H, Huey, one day somewhere up around Chicago. As has happened to all of us, probably, at one time or another, he just couldn't seem to get his tongue coordinated at all and was fumble-tonguing everything he said.

Center asked him some simple question and his reply went something like this. "Uh, this is Army helichop...uh, helicopter 15789...uh 15987. We'd like to climb to... uh we'd like to descend to 5000 and then practice a shoot approach....uh shoot a practice ILS blackcourse, uh, backcourse at Grandview Navy...uh, Glenview Navy..." He said that after finally getting the transmission completed, and feeling like a dang fool there was a short period of silence over the radio before someone (who he said you could tell was some Captain on a commercial airliner in the vicinity) came back with a very short comment of "Hire the handicapped". He said that he never felt so stupid in his life as he did about then.

Tower:

"12345, are you a Cessna?"

12345:

"No....I am a male hispanic."

Controller sitting next to me is trying to change Mooney 45Q to my freq, but gets no response. Thinking that the Mooney may have already switched to my freq accidentally, since he's a local pilot who knew it was coming, he asks me to check.

Me:

"Mooney 45Q, are you on this frequency?"

45Q:

"Negative. But I should be any time now."

A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area airport) I heard:

An obvious student in a Cessna 152:

AH Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11...

Jeffco Tower:

You're not on final. Final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!

Scenario: Crystal clear CAVU moonless night, following the northern shore of Lake Ontario back from Hamilton to Toronto. I wanted to get fairly high to get the carpet-of-lights effect for my passenger.

Me:

Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible.

ATC:

QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.

Me:

{sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!

ATC:

Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.

One of my instructors in FE school told me about this. Apparently the loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was transmitting on Unicom instead of over the ICS:

LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!

Followed shortly afterward by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"

This was at SBN (South Bend, Indiana); I was getting ready to
depart IFR for Oshkosh in a Cessna Cardinal RG.

Me: Oshkosh ground, Cessna 1546 Hotel at the ramp, taxi IFR Oshkosh.

Ground: Cessna 46 Hotel is cleared to Oshkosh Airport via ...
[insert complete IFR clearance here]

[It seems to vary from one airport to another when and how you pick
up an IFR clearance. At my home base (Morristown NJ) I'm used to
saying "Taxi IFR" and getting a taxi clearance along with the
advisory "clearance on request" (which means that the ground
controller has asked ATC for my clearance). In any event, it
is quite a surprise to receive an entire IFR clearance in one
gulp when you've asked only for a taxi clearance.

Fortunately, I was up to it: I had pencil and paper within easy
reach and started copying frantically.]

Me: 46 Hotel cleared to Oshkosh via ... [repeat entire clearance here]

Ground: Readback is correct. Twin cessna 46 Hotel, taxi runway xxx...
^^^^
The ultimate compliment on radio technique!


So I set out to taxi to the runway.

That's when I discovered I had forgotten to untie the tail.

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Heard at the Oakland, Ca airport:

Pilot:

Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy, Taxi, Destination Stockton.

Ground:

Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport.

Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown before:
Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike.
The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger, whose name is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell them that I was with you?"

Seems that Tom was working local with a nervous FPL watching over his shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a mile final, with a commuter holding short for departure release.

"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud. The FPL could see that there might just *barely* enough time to make it work if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom make his own mistakes since that's the only way for a guy to learn. Still, the FPL couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear "if this works, Tom, it'll be a miracle!"

Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for immediate." What actually comes out of his mouth (in one of the great Freudian slips of all time IMHO) is:

"Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for a miracle."

There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and the then commuter pilot says "Tower, I think under the circumstances we better just hold short. I don't feel quite that lucky."

I asked an ex-military friend who used to work in the Key West area, about the weakness of our Southern air-defense, and here is what he told me:

When the military got dragged into the War-On-Drugs, it came under much pressure from Washington to find a reliable method to determine which aircraft are carrying drugs. As a result, all of the human radar operators have been replaced by specially-trained, drug-sniffing dogs. Whenever the dog sees a new blip on the radar screen, he sniffs at it, and if he detects drugs, he barks, which alerts the supervisor (a human), who sounds the alarm.

A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.

Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Us: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g pause.

Dead reckoning still has its place. We once had a pilot call in and say "Help, I'm hopelessly lost over Gravette, Ark.". We all looked at each other, and after a chuckle, the controller for that area asked the pilot "If you are hopelessly lost, how do you know you are over Gravette, Ark.?" The pilot said "Because I'm circling the water tank and it says Gravette, Ark."!! (The town was too small to be on his sectionals).

A pilot called in and said he was unsure of his position but he had a town in sight. Since we didn't have him on radar, the controller told him to descend and look for the town's water tower, see what it said on the side, climb back up and tell him. Sure enough in about 3 minutes the pilot called back and said, "Approach, I found the water tower". The controller, looking rather pleased, asked "And what did it say on the side?" The pilot replied, "It said Seniors, 1978". Truly happened.

Tower:

Hotel-1, cleared to hover taxi, stay clear of Runway 16, Cessna in the pattern doing touch and go's.

Me:

Cessna 123, downwind for 16.

H-1:

Uh, Tower, could we get some progressive taxi instructions?

Tower:

Roger, Hotel-1...you're going the WRONG WAY, Sir...(brief instructions)...and remain clear of 16.

Me:

Cessna 123, turning left base for 16.

Tower:

Hotel-1, proceed on course. Break. Cessna 123 fly through final, 270 to 16.

Me:

(Pause. Confusion...fly through..? Vectors? No...Huh?) "Cessna 123, uh, sorry could you repeat that last?"

Tower:

Cessna 123, fly through your final, right 270 back to 16. (Pregnant pause)

Tower:

...Kinda like an 'off-ramp'. (Another pause, but shorter this time)

Me:

Roger that, 123 takin' the next exit, will call final.

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.

This is from when my wife was a student pilot returning to HYA from the practice area:

7MA: Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers.
HYA: Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say type landing.
7MA: We're a Cessna 182.
HYA: Negative, say *type* landing.
7MA: Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform.
HYA: 7MA, I say again, say **type** landing.
7MA: (Silence) A good one I hope.

Here's another one from the wacky minds of our Military controllers at Namao. A bit of Background is in order: CFB Edmonton (Namao) is a military field just outside of Edmonton. All aircraft touching down at Namao require a PPR (Prior Permission Request) number, and have to recite it to the controller at first contact. Our flying club is civilian/military, and all our aircraft have permanent PPR's.

One day, we were sitting around listening to the scanner, when a Tomahawk from a local flight school announced inbound for circuits. The controllers asked for the PPR #, and the pilot said they didn't know about one. We expected the aircraft to turn away, but the controller cleared them right-base for 29. We now pick up the audio from this momentous day:

Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".
{Several more circuits later...}
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning on making?"
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more."
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."
{LONG delay...}
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
Another LONG delay
Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."

The tower was having some difficulty working a student pilot in the pattern and it finally came down to this;

TOWER:

95 Delta, do you read the tower?

95D:

675, sir

TOWER:

95 Delta, Say Again

95D:

I think it is 675.

TOWER:

95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?

95D:

I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.

TOWER:

95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.

People unclear on the concept dept.

Just turned off the 10 O'Clock channel 9 news here in LA, a single engine plane (identified as Aero Commander) went down short of Burbank airport, both people on board survived. The Pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the wreckage & said he ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock & was trying to make Burbank airport.

Remarking about the lack of fire, the Fire Marshall in charge of the rescue said, "They are just lucky there was no fuel on board".

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

I was transitioning through the Lawrence (LWM) area the other day, when I heard a new-sounding student call up, inbound for a landing, with his instructor sitting next to him, shouting prompts in the background over the engine noise....

N23B: (Lawrence tower) UHHH LAWRENCE TOWER (Cessna 5123B) CESSNA 5123B (7 miles east) 7 MILES EAST (inbound for landing) INBOUND FOR LANDING (with) WITH (.....hotel) HOTEL!

Well, the guys in the tower didn't miss a beat!

LWM: [Supervisor yelling to the Tower position from background] (Cessna 23B)

[Tower] CESSNA 23B

(report a 2 mile right base) REPORT A TWO MILE RIGHT BASE

(runway 32) RUNWAY 32

N23B: [instructor, now on the mike] YEAH, HAW, HAW, HAW, VERY FUNNY, REPORT A 2 MILE RIGHT BASE FOR 32, CESSNA 23B

I heard this exchange when flying to Lancaster, PA yesterday:

LNS tower: "Cessna 1234X, report three mile final."

Cessna 1234X: "Unable, we're negative DME."

Heard in the Bay Area yesterday:

BB:

"Bay Approach, Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."

Bay Approach:

"Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."

BB:

"Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"

Bay:

"That's a good reason. 8300 approved."

Direct from the ABS convention at IWS (West Houston, TX): On arrival day for the ABS convention, an FAA Flight Check aircraft showed up to flight check the instrument approaches at IWS. Was interesting to watch them try to do this with lots of traffic in the pattern. Also, the tower was a temporary VFR facility which was having major problems since the notam about the temporary tower had the wrong frequency listed.

FL 98:

Good morning West Houston Tower. Flight check 98 with you and we are inbound on the RNAV 33 approach. Will be low approach only at MDA.

IWS:

Roger, Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple aircraft inbound for 15 and lots of NORDO traffic.
[NORDO = ATC does not have radio contact with these aircraft]

FL 98:

Roger, will break off the approach at MAP.
[MAP = Missed Approach Point on the instrument approach procedure being used]

IWS:

Roger, break off the approach to the West. What are your intentions after the RNAV 33 approach?

FL 98:

We plan to flight check the RNAV 15 approach.

IWS:

Roger, have fun out there.
. . . . as FL98 breaks off the approach

FL 98:

Flightcheck 98 requesting frequency change.

IWS:

Roger, Flight check 98. Contact departure on 123.8

FL 98:

23.8. See you later

?

. . . several minutes later

FL 98:

West Houston Tower, Flight check 98 back with you on the RNAV 15 approach. Low approach only.

IWS:

Roger Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple NORDO aircraft in the pattern and 15 is the active at West Houston.

FL 98:

Roger. By the way, are you aware that the localizer to 15 is out of service? (side note, there is no LOC 15!)

IWS:

Uhhh - we weren't aware that there was a localizer at this airport. Say again.

FL 98:

Isn't this Southwest?

IWS:

Negative sir. Houston Southwest is 21 miles SE of here.

FL 98:

Oops, never mind. We're at the wrong airport.

IWS:

No problem. By the way, the LOC at Southwest is to runway 9. Say intentions.

FL 98:

Think we want to start this day over again. We'll complete checking the RNAV 15 and be departing the area.

IWS:

Roger. At the MAP, make a right turn westbound and contact departure on 123.8. No one in the TRACON is ever going to believe this story.

This story is TRUE: told by the pilot and confirmed by ATC.

Southend ATC:

National 676 - Cleared for takeoff; report passing 2000ft.

NAA676:

Cleared for takeoff; call you passing 2000.

NAA676:

Southend, 676 is passing 2000, climbing

Southend:

676 call London 128.6

NAA676:

To London 128.6 - see you on the way home.

?

(in the process of changing freq. 676 loses the door - yes the DOOR on a BE90)

NAA676:

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday London Control this is National 676, 4 miles west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am returning climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend.

London ATC:

NAA 676, roger. Are you in control of the Aircraft?

NAA676:

No more than usual !!!!

About five years ago I worked at an FBO in Atlanta on the line. The Sales Dept. would let us ferry a/c whenever they had something we could handle, so I ended up ferrying a Saratoga out to Johnson Co. Executive about 20 or so miles south of Kansas City.

The guy to whom I delivered the plane flew me over to Kansas City Int'l in a Malibu to hop a Delta flight back to Atlanta. Real nice day, about dusk, and we were being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land......

KC Appch: "Malibu 229, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Us: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Appch: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105: (long pause, and in a thick southern drawl) "Wwweelllll, I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

My favorite ATC story involves an old-timer who would get rather excited when it got busy. It seemed as if he would think up zingers at home and use 'em at some convenient moment. Anyway, he's working USA553 westbound and is about to turn him over to Cleveland...

Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6.

Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6!

Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife -- you never listen!

Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."

N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"

ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."

N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"

ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."

N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

Anyway, I heard these two on the air this week:

(Scene 1: It's night over Las Vegas, information H (Hotel) is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control)

Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.

33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.

Approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:

Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.

United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.

"This is McCarren International departure information Delta. 2100 zulu, [weather, approach information, notams, etc., etc.] Arriving aircraft contact approach at 118... [silence] You lousy machine, why do you always do this to me?"

Q: How many Northwest pilots does it take to fly a DC-9?

A: Two, and a fifth

Hmm. Sounds like an offshoot of Exxon tanker jokes to me.

How do you send a 2 dimensional man to New York? By Plane.

What side of the plane should he sit on?

What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?

American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of their manueverability, acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he tells them.

After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."

NW is working with Boeing to develop a/c specific to their needs.

Their first one will be the 7&7......

Heard last weekend at Palo Alto while I was inbound from Leslie Salt:

PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from the left 45."

Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna."

Pause...

PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an, um, inverted Cherokee just abeam the numbers." :)

Leaving Palo Alto on Friday. A Citabria had just landed:

PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.

Me: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.

Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.

PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.

Me: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.

A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard:

PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.

Extracted from the UK CAA GASIL (general aviation safety info leaflet) Dec 1991.

Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"

Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."

Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff"

Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."

Student pilot (who forgot to ask for surface wind) "Please pass wind"

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself"

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"

AC: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"

Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

I went out to do some touch and goes today, and the ATIS ended with a slight twist......

"...altimeter 29.93. VFR departures advise ground control of destination and altitude and you play golf."

Coincedentally, I called up right behind a KC-10 that was getting ready to go. The exchange was;

"Wilmington ground, Cessna 54360 at ISO (the FBO ramp) with about a 14 handicap, request tee time for the pattern."

[delay.....squelch breaks with laughter.......]

"Cessna 360 taxi to runway 24 behind the 10 iron, number 2 for takeoff, he's a scratch golfer."

Seems that the controller (a trainee) wasn't privy to the ATIS tagline, and his supervisor got a BIG kick out of all this.

At the end of a long, bumpy ride from upstate New York to Charleston, WV several weeks ago, I heard CRW approach talking to someone:

CRW - "By the way, N12345, I'd like to personally commend and thank you for that outstanding effort in restoring functionality to your transponder..." (background guffaws from several controller co-workers)

Conducting fuel-consumption tests on a new twin-engine plane, we were en route from Pennsylvania to Florida. Just north of Richmond, Va., I called the air-traffic controller to make a position report on our plane, whose designation was 5000Y. The controller, in a Southern drawl, replied, "Oh, no, not again!" I was puzzled by the response until I realized what I had said: "We are 5000 Yankee, 25 miles north of Richmond." -- Joe Diblin

Several years ago I heard a pilot check in with approach control with the following (names changed because I don't remember them):

[said with an exaggerated Southern drawl]

Birdseed Approach, Barnburner 123 with you at seven thousand, with Information -- excuse the expression -- Yankee.

I heard this exchange between Baltimore Approach and a C-172 about 3pm on March 1st. I missed the first part of the exchange, but the part I did hear follows. The tail number has been changed to protect the guilty...

Balto: N12345, Type of aircraft?

N12345: Cessna 172

Balto: N12345, sqwalk 54xx, cleared to enter the TCA.

N12345: I don't really want to go through the TCA, I'm going north. I just want flight following.

Balto: Ok, N12345, resume own navigation.

N12345: What?

Balto: N12345, resume own navigation.

N12345: I don't understand.

Balto: (very slowly) R e s u m e o w n n a v i g a t i o n.

N12345: What does that mean?

Balto: It means you do the navigating.

N12345: Oh. Ok.

Balto: N12345, are you aware you're approaching R-4001?

N12345: Uh, no. That's why I want flight following.

Balto: Oh. Which way do you want to go around it?

N12345: Which way can I go?

Balto: West or east.

N12345: I'll go west.

Balto: N12345, I suggest you find I-95 and stay west of it. Ok?

N12345: Uh, ok...west of I-95. Thanks.

Pilot: »Radar, N 878, it's very bumpy here at FL 80.«

Controller. »N 878, roger, do you request descend'?«

Pilot: »My wife yes, but it's okay for me.«

Controller. »Citation 584, if you stop ca11ing me Center I'11 stop calling you a twin Cessna

Controller. »AF 1733, you are on an eight mile final for 27 R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you an final. Reduce speed to 130 knots.«

Pilot: »Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots for you.«

Controller (etwas später): »AF 33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one and a half miles ahead of you. Reduce speed further to 110 knots.«

Pilot: »AF thirty-three reducing this bird back further to 110 knots.«

Controller. »AF 33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you. Reduce speed to 90 knots.«

Pilot (pikiert): »Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this C-130 is?«

Controller. »No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.«

Controller November, turn right and report your heading.«

Pilot: »Wilco, 340, 341, 342, 343... «

Turm (fragt ergänzend nach dem Flugzeugmuster): »Und was ist Ihr Typ?«

Pilot: »Rothaarig.

Pilot: »Approach, Federate 303 is with you at 8000 feet for vectors ILS, full stop.«

Controller: »Unable Federate 303. The ILS is out of service.«

Pilot: »We'11 take VOR then.«

Controller. »Sir, the VOR is in alarm right now! «

Pilot: »Okay, guess it'11 have to be the ADF then.«

Controller. »303, unable. The ADF is down due to traffic saturation.«

Pilot: »Okay, approach, state my intentions.«

Segelflugschüler (nach seinem Standort gefragt): »... äh, Hotel Bravo 1630 downhill.«

Lufthansa-Pilot {Im Anflug auf Berlin kurz nach dem Brünkendorf VOR): »Warum holen Sie uns denn schon so früh so weit runter? Sie wissen doch, daß das Fliegen in derart niedriger Höhe für uns sehr unwirtschaftlich ist.'«

ControHer. »Ja, Sie müssen schon entschuldigen, aber wir haben sehr viel Verkehr von Tegel aus in Ihre Richtung, und mit dem könnten Sie dann zusammenstoßen.«

Pilot: »Na, das wäre ja noch viel unwirtschaftlicher.«

Tower.' »Alitalia 439, line up and wait runway 23L.«

Pilot: »Roger, line up and wait, Alitalia 23L.«

Tower: »N2234, are you a Cessna?«

Pilot »No Sir, I'm a male Hispanic.«

Pilot: »Hannover Radar, N1234A request simulated ILS approach.«

Controller. »N1234A continue approach, expect simulated ILS runway 09 left. Make sure you stay clear of clouds.«

Pilot »N1234A roger.« (nach einer Weile)

Control1er. »N1234A cleared for simulated ILS approach 09 lee. Make sure, you stay clear of clouds.«

Pilot: » N1234A cleared for simulated ILS approach 09 left – (irritiert) but, Sir, we haven't seen any clouds from here to the Netherlands.«

Controller. » Yes, I know, bot I'm still afraid, I have to tel1you this.«

Verirrter Flugschüler. »Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead. Identify yourself.«

Fluglehrer (während einer Überlandeinweisung): »By the way: what is the purpose of the propeller?«

Flugschüler. »To keep the airplane constantly flying.«

Fluglehrer. »Right. And what e1se?«

Flugschüler. »???«

Fluglehrer. »To keep the pilot constantly cool. H you don't think so, just stop it and watch you sweat.«

Controller. »Delta Quebec Alfa, fliegen Sie in die Kontrollzone auf Steuerkurs zwo vier null bis zum Anschneiden des Endanfluges Landebahn 14 R.«

PBot: »Fliege in die Kon-trollzone auf Steuerkurs zwo vier null bis zum Endeinschlag auf der 14 R.«

Pilot: »Washington Radar, United 916, we have just been struck by a tremendous lightning! «

Controller. »United 916, roger, do you have any problems? «

Pilot: »Not really, we just have to change our under-wear.«

Pilot: »Santa Monica Tower, be advised that there are numerous pigeons an short final.«

Tower: »Roger. They are all an frequency and cleared to land.«

Pilot: »Leibertingen Segelflug, ich finde den Platz nicht.«

Boden: »Wo ist deine Position?«

Pilot: »Ich bin da nörd1ich von einem Maibaum, ein großer und drei kleine.«

Boden: »Maibäume gibt's jetzt nicht mehr viele.«

Anderer Pilot: »Du, ich glaube, der meint die Sender bei Rohrdorf.« (So war's)

Controller: »Speedbird 12, are you an heading?«

Pilot: »We are always an heading.«

Tower erteilt einer AUA MD-80 die Landefreigabe und schaut verwundert, als statt der erwarteten MD-80 eine Boeing 737 einer anderen alpenländischen Fluggesellschaft landet: »Austrian 187, did you change the aircraft?«

Pilot: »Negative, Sir, just the callsign.«

Controller: »NFD 1234, expect radar vectors for runway 09....pick up any desired heading to avoid built ups.

Pilot: »Tower, Delta Alpha Whiskey, ahhh...«

Tower: »Ahhh, what'?«

Pilot: »Alpha Whiskey.«

Controller: »Melden Sie Steuerkurs.«

Pilot: »Wir melden uns, sobald einer anliegt.«

Pilot: »Delta Echo Delta Victor Golf, Standort Teerweg 4, erbitte Platzanweisung für einige Platzrunden.«

Turm: »Delta Victor Golf, Platzanweisung gibt's im Kino

Controller: Delta Papa Rodeo, Ihre Position, bitte.«

Pilot: »Standby, meine Karte hat da ein Loch.«

Pilot beim Einflug in die Kontrollzone von Egelsbach: »Delta X-ray Yankee, über Echo.«

Turm: »Delta X-ray Yankee, fliegen Sie in die Nordplatz-runde und melden Sie nördlich Turm. Achten Sie auf eine Cessna 172, die hat Echo 30 Sekunden vor Ihnen gemeldet. Und achten Sie ferner auf zwei PA-28, die von Dietzenbach in die

Nord-Platzrunde einfliegen.«

Pilot: »Werde Ausschau halten – ist wenigstens die südliche Grasbahn offen?« Turm: »Nein.«

Pilot: »Scheiße.«

Turm: »Stimmt.«

Pilot: »Tower, say again, reading you only five!«

Controller. »CRX 500, are you on course to SUL?«

Pilot: »More or less.« Controller. »So proceed a little bit more to SUL.«

Absetzpilot: »Düsseldorf Radar, Guten Tag, D-EFCC, Deppenwerfen over Meiersberg, request to climb to flight leve1100.«

Pilot: »Berlin Tower, X-Line 123, heading 310, altitude 3000 feet, approaching localizer from left to right, DME 11 decima16 Nautical Miles, will report established.«

ControHer. »Tach, marker!«

Pilot (beim zweiten Versuch, einen Platz zu finden):

»Delta Hotel Oscar, sind das Schafe auf der Bahn?«

Turm: »Ja, ja.«

Pilot: »Dann bin ich im rechten Gegenanflug 12.«

My first wife didn't like to fly, either.

-- Gordon Baxter

That's not flying, that's just falling with style.

-- Woody, from the 1996 movie 'Toy Story,' regarding Buzz Lightyear.

Flying is learning to throw yourself at the ground, and miss.

-- Douglas Adams, 'Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.'

Landing on the ship during the daytime is like sex, it's either good or it's great. Landing on the ship at night is like a trip to the dentist, you may get away with no pain, but you just don't feel comfortable.

-- LCDR Thomas Quinn, USN.

Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle. It's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.

-- Captain Rex Kramer, in the movie 'Airplane.'

We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

-- Cockpit crew in the movie 'Airplane.'
Listen to the classic original cockpit conversation

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

-- Benny Hill

When the weight of the paper equals the weight of the airplane, only then you can go flying.

-- attributed to Donald Douglas (Mr. DC-n).

The bulk of mankind is as well equipped for flying as thinking.

-- Jonathon Swift

Which is now a more hopeful statement that Swift intended it to be.

-- Will Durant

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation.

-- Tom Stoppard

My definition of an optimist has to be the Luftwaffe F-104 pilot who gave up smoking!

-- John Wiley

In response to how he checked the weather, "I just whip out my blue card with a hole in it and read what it says: 'When color of card matches color of sky, FLY!'"

-- Gordon Baxter

Instrument flying is an unnatural act probably punishable by God.

-- Gordon Baxter

Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.

-- Seen on a General Dynamics bulletin board

It doesn't do any good to stand on the airplane's brakes when you're already on your back!

-- Rex Thorp

Nothing said I had to crash.

-- R.A. Bob Hoover, after hitting a telephone wire and losing two feet of wing in his P-51.

Captain Oveur: "Ya ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: "No sir, I've never been up in a plane before!
Captain Oveur: "Ya ever seen a grown man naked?

-- from the 1980 movie 'Airplane.'

Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish prison?

-- Captain Oveur, from the 1980 movie 'Airplane.'

Doctor Rumack: "When are we going to be able to land?
Ted Striker: "I can't tell.
Doctor Rumack: "You can tell me, I'm a doctor.
Ted Striker: "I don't know.
Doctor Rumack: "Well, can't you take a guess?
Ted Striker: "Not for another two hours.
Doctor Rumack: "You can't take a guess for another two hours?

-- from the 1980 movie 'Airplane.'

Ted: "We're gonna have to come in pretty low on this approach.
Elaine: "Is that difficult?
Ted: "Well sure it's difficult. It's part of every textbook approach. It's just something you have to do ... when you land.

-- from the 1982 movie 'Airplane II, The Sequel.'

In the Alaska bush I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.

-- Kurt Wien

Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?

-- Jim Tavenner

I know, but this guy doing the flying has no airline experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air. ... Yes, birds too.

-- Air Traffic Controller in the 1980 movie 'Airplane.'

They're beeping and they're flashing. They're flashing and they're beeping! I cant stand it anymore, they're blinking and they're flashing.

-- Buck Murdock, in the 1982 movie 'Airplane II, The Sequel.'

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

-- Mark Russell

[When asked why he was referred to as 'Ace']: Because during World War Two I was responsible for the destruction of six aircraft, fortunately three were enemy.

-- Captain Ray Lancaster, USAAF.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

-- Jack Handey, 'Deep Thoughts from Saturday Night Live.'

You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.

-- Marty Caidin

The light at the end of the tunnel is another airplanes landing light coming down head-on to the runway you are taking off from.

-- Robert Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca.'

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins?

-- Jim Tavenner

What is that mountain goat doing way up here in the clouds?

-- Gary Larson, in a well-known 'Farside' cartoon.

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

-- Anon.

Buttons . . . check. Dials . . . check. Switches . . . check. Little colored lights . . . check.

-- The Bill Waterson comic character Calvin, of 'Cavin and Hobbes.' fame.

Leader, bandits at 2 o’clock!
Roger; it’s only 1:30 now—what’ll I do ‘til then?

-- The Bill Waterson comic character Calvin, of 'Cavin and Hobbes.' fame.

It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure.

-- Dick Markgraf

I've flown every seat on this airplane, can someone tell me why the other two are always occupied by idiots?

-- Don Taylor

When it comes to testing new aircraft or determining maximum performance, pilots like to talk about "pushing the envelope." They're talking about a two dimensional model: the bottom is zero altitude, the ground; the left is zero speed; the top is max altitude; and the right, maximum velocity, of course. So, the pilots are pushing that upper-right-hand corner of the envelope. What everybody tries not to dwell on is that that's where the postage gets canceled, too.

-- Admiral Rick Hunter, U.S. Navy.

Son, never ask a man if he is a fighter pilot. If he is, he'll let you know. If he isn't, don't embarrass him.

-- The Great Santini, in 'Get ready for a fighter pilot.'

Flying an aeroplane with only a single propeller to keep you in the air. Can you imagine that?

-- Captain Picard, from 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' episode 'Booby Trap.'

MaCleod, since you've flown the SeaBee a lot you'll understand when I say it was the only airplane I ever owned that you could put in a dive, loose a cylinder and stall out!

-- Ernest K. Gann

I don't like flying because I'm afraid of crashing into a large mountain. I don't think Dramamine is going to help.

-- Kaffie, in the1992 movie 'A Few Good Men.'

It was 1977 and we were on an old DC8 Air Ceylon coming in to Colombo, Ceylon from Bangkok. The landing approach was pretty bumpy, but the biggest bump was saved for when we hit the tarmac - a massive shudder and shake - at least I hoped it was the runway.. We were soon however airborne again and climbing steeply when a voice with a heavy Indian accent came over the PA as follows:
I am sorry about the landing ladies and gentlemen,the pilot will now take over.

-- Tim Stuart, Great Aviation Quotes reader.

This time up in the Himalayas where we had been stranded for days. Each day we would head down to the airfield only to be told the plane could not take off. Finally on a day the weather was slightly better the chief of police informed us as follows:
The allocated pilot for today is the best pilot in Nepal, don't worry, he will take the risk.

-- Tim Stuart, Great Aviation Quotes reader.

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.

-- G. K. Chesteron, 'Orthodoxy,' 1908.

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet air intakes

-- Anon.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

-- Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.'

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

-- Bill Cosby

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.

-- Dave Barry, 'Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations.'

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.

-- Dave Barry, 'Sex and the Single Amoebae.'

Firewall: (1) The part of the airplane specially designed to allow all heat and exhaust to enter the cockpit. (2) The act of pulling 69 inches of manifold pressure, out of an engine designed to pull 60.

-- Bob Stevens, 'There I Was'.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

-- Mel Brooks

If God had really intended men to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport.

-- George Winters

In the space age, man will be able to go around the world in two hours -- one hour for flying and one hour to get to the airport.

-- Neil McElroy, 'Look' (1958).

In America there are two classes of travel -- first class, and with children.

-- Robert Benchley

Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV.

-- A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the "glass" A-320.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker.

-- custodian at the Aviodome aviation museum, Schiphol airport Amsterdam.

Flight Reservation Systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere.

-- Arthur Miller

United hired gentlemen with the expectation of training them to become pilots, Northwest hired pilots hoping to train them to become gentlemen. To date, despite their best efforts, neither carrier can be considered successful.

-- Ed Thompson

Tower: Have a good trip.
Pilot: Make that a round trip . . .

-- Lloyd Lace, USAAF, 1944. Said before departing on C-46 missions, flying over 'The Hump' (China - Burma - India).

I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep.

-- Michael Treacy

A joke told repeatedly at aviation industry conferences puts a man and a dog in an airplane. The dog is there to bite the pilot if the man so much as tries to touch the controls; the pilot's one remaining job is to feed the dog. Many aviation veterans have heard the joke so many times that is possible to tell those in the audience new to the industry by their laughter.

-- Gary Stix, in Scientific American, July 1991.

O'Hare ATC

There are many excellent pilots who would rather do anything than land a private airplane at Newark, Cleveland, or Chicago.

-- 'Aviation' magazine, August 1935.

When the art of radio communication between pilots and ATC is improved, the result will be vastly increased areas of significant misunderstandings.

-- Robert Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca.'

Most of the O'Hare ATC quotes below originally appeared in 'Intentionally Left Blank,' the NATCA Chicago TRACON newsletter. Reproduced with permission.

"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?" "N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here."

"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"

"American calling Ground. I don't know who you are or where you are. Taxi approved, just don't hit anybody and stay out of the grass"

"Air Wisconsin Three-Thirty-Five, caution wake turbulence, there is an Air Wisconsin Three-Forty-Five on the frequency."

"OK, OK, Everybody listen up and keep moving and it will all work out. It's just like a big fat-lady ballet."

"I don't mind altitude separation as long as they're not on top of each other."

"We were told Rwy 9...we'll take out the 14R approach plate." "Captain you got sixty miles to take it out...have a ball."

"The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you." "Linda Ronstadt? What's that?" "Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."

"I can see the country club down below...look's like a lot of controllers out there!" "Yes, sir, there is...and they're caddying for DC-10 drivers like you."

"N07K you look like you're established on the localizer and I don't know the names of any of the fixes, you're cleared for the ILS approach. Call the tower."

"AmTran 726, sorry about that, Center thought you were a Midway arrival. Just sit back, relax and pass out some more cookies...we'll get you to Milwaukee."

"Approach, what's our sequence?" "Calling for the sequence I missed your callsign, but if I find out what it is, you're last."

"Sure you can have eight miles behind the heavy...there'll be a United tri-jet between you and him."

"Approach, SWA436, you want us to turn right to 090?" "No, I want your brother to turn. Just do it and don't argue."

"Approach UAL525 what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?" "UAL525, what makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?"

"DAL1176, say speed." "DAL1176, we slowed it down to two-twenty." "DAL1176 pick it back up to two-fifty...this ain't Atlanta, and them ain't grits on the ground."

"Request Runway 27 Right." "Unable." "Approach, do you know the wind at six thousand is 270 at fifty?" "Yeah, I do, and if we could jack the airport up to fifty-five hundred you could have that runway. Expect 14 Right."

"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."

"The first officer says he's got you in sight." "Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27 Right...you continue on that 180 heading and descend to three thousand."

"Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of Gary?" "Yeah, I do...you guys talkin' to him?"

"Approach, what's the tower?" "That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not important right now."

During November of 1996 American Eagle added jetbridges to its G?concourse. The long bridges were carried into the airport by cranes, leading to this strange exchange:
"Eagle 123, give way to the jetbridge, we're not talking to him."

"How far behind traffic are we?" "Three miles." "That doesn't look like three miles to us!" "You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."

"Expect lower at the end of this transmission."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."

"About three miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."

"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

"You got him on TCAS? Great. When you're seven in trail, resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12."

"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."

"You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South Bend...go ahead."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."

"It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything."

"Caution wake turbulence, you're following a heavy 12 o'clock, three...no, lets make it five miles."

"Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."

"If you want more room, captain, push your seat back."

"For radar identification, throw your jumpseat rider out the window."

"Air Force One, I told you to expedite!"

"Listen up, gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us wants to see."

"Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside, twenty-six nine...see ya."

"Japan Air Ten Heavy, how about a radio check?" (Response: "Royah, switching!")

"Turn in and take over . . . you know the rest."

And one from Daytona, Florida:
"Tower, this is N123ER, how do you read?" "Usually at night, in bed with my light on."

And from Sydney, Australia:
"Hold your push back QANTAS, you've got a Virgin with a tight slot behind you."

And from London tower controller to very senior British Airways captain:
"Good touchdown, sir, but I believe you were a little left of centreline."
"Thank you, you’re absolutely right, and my First Officer was a tad to the right."

And from the Northeast U.S.:
"Mornin’ center, ABC123 Heavy checking in at 12,000 and 250kts assigned."
"Roger ABC123 Heavy, cross DRESR at 9,000 reduce speed to 210kts."
"Cross DRESR at 9,000 slow to 210, ABC123 Heavy."
From unknown crew...
"Yeah, we have one of those [Cross Dresser] at our company too."

And from the central U.S.:
"Afternoon approach, ABC123 checking in 10,000 210kts assigned with Zulu request 18L."
"Roger ABC123, good afternoon, unfortunately you don’t have enough seniority to hold 18L, expect the visual 18R."

And from India, where they use this as a classic example of 'standard phraseology':
U.S. Fighter pilot to tower: "This is chrome-plated stove pipe, triple nickel eight ball, angels eight, five in the slot, boots on and laced, I wanna bounce and blow.
Tower: "Roger you got the nod to hit the sod.

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